KIDNAPPED by evil Kidnapman

Today was my bestest day so far of 2007. I got to go outside!!. Well, Fatlady didn't let me out of my home. I won't let them clip my wings. I am supposed to fly. I am a bird. Would you humans like to have your legs clipped?

So I had to stay in my little home because they think I'd fly away and get lost. I'm not stupid. I'd never leave. Well, I did - two times! But they came and got me.

The first time was in Alaska. I flew out the open door, but Fatlady came running when I commanded here to come get me. Brrrrrrrrrr! It was so cold. SQUAAAWWWWWKKKKKKK!!!!!!

The second time was in Washington State, I don't care what town. It was a very sad time. Darkman's son had been killed in a car wreck in Kenya and he didn't pay any attention to anything. He left the sliding glass door open and I went on an adventure.

But I got captured by some evil Kidnapman. He took me to his home. I thought, ' Great. I'll get a treat now!'

But that damned fool evil Kidnapman gave me a saltine cracker and kept saying, 'Polly want a cracker?'

No, no, no!! Polly, meaning me, the Queen, want some pizza.

Anyway my subjects put up posters all over the place, but this evil Kidnapman ignored them. For two days, I went on a hunger strike. He bought me a cage - not my home, he locked the door! - and intended to hold me captive.

But some neighbourhood kids - God bless 'em!' told Darkman where I was. He came WITH A BUTCHER KNIFE to demand my release. My captor, evil Kidnapman, however, was a coward who didn't want to argue with a big, Black man with a knife, so he surrendered me. I was soooooooo happy. I wouldn't talk to Kidnapman, but I talked and talked to Darkman. 'Thuki. Thuki. Pretty bird, Thuki. Sweetheart. Come here, Thuki.' All nice words. Not a single SQUAWK!

Until we turned to go. Then I faced evil Kidnapman and gave him my loudest, angriest , most majestic

SQUAAAAAAAAA

WWWWWWWWW

KKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

I bet he never, ever, ever kidnaps a royal personage again.

He came to my subjects' home the next day to get his cage. They were nice enough to give it to him, but Fatlady told him that if he wanted to keep a parrot, he needed a much bigger cage and some idea of what parrots eat. Oh, yeah! She suggested he get a parakeet. LOLOLOLOLOLOL, a parakeet!!??

I don't like Fatlady much, but I was really happy with her that day!!

SQUAAAAAWWWWWWWWKKKKKKKKKKK!!
SQUAAAAAAWWWWWWWWKKKKKKKKKKK!!

Loving Rats and Enslaving A Kangaroo

Fatlady got these in an e-mail from a friend.

See, the first lady is sooooo nice to help out all her rat friends.

But what on earth has gotten into the second lady? What has she done to that poor kangaroo. It ruffles my feathers and makes me want to bite her real, real, REAL hard.



SQUAWK!!!!!!!

SQUAAAAAK!!!!!!!!!!

SQUAAAAAAAAAAK!!!!!!!!!

SQUAAAAAAAAAAAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SQUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Servants

I live with two people who serve me as their Queen.

Darkman is a Jamaican Kikuyu and he started called me Gathuku, which means 'Parrot' in his language. These people got no imagination. He likes to tell me that I got no respect because I SCREECH, SCREECH SCREECH, and I poop whenever and wherever I want. I AM THE QUEEN. I think they are learning that a little bit. He really isn't too bad, though. He gives me some really yummy food, something called Deluxe Parrot Mix. Sometimes he gives me chicken or bread with all kinds of nuts and seeds. If he really wants to bow to me, he'll give me pizza!!!!!!!!!!!!! But no matter how sweet and nice and quiet and loving and affectionate I become, he won't give me chocolate. If I want that, I have to hunt it down and confiscate it. So far, in all these years, I've only been successful twice, but I keep trying.

Actually he's pretty nice. Fatlady is something else. She is my drudge. She cleans my home - you call it a cage - where I sleep at night. I never go there except to eat and sleep and sometimes go outside. It's too small to be very comfortable and anyway, I'd rather be out and about! OK, I barely tolerate her except to sit on her shoulder while I tell her what to write. She has no sense of humour at all. When I nip her ear - not a real bite, you know, no blood - she screams and runs around and shakes her shoulder until I fly off. So excitable, this Fatlady. Funny, though, she doesn't get mad when I poop on her. Dark man would freak out.

There they are. Would you be able to tolerate those two as your subjects? You see how every liberal I am to put up with them.

This is me with Fatlady on the right. Immediately after taking this picture I bit her hand, as she so richly deserved.

SQUAWK!!! SQUAWK!!! SQUAWK!!! SQUAWK!!!

SEX in a bird

I gotta let everybody about this one. These people brought me home when I was just a baby bird. They fed me with a syringe and I screamed so loud the neighbors thought someone was being beaten.

I went with them from America to Canada to Alaska and then flew IN AN AIRPLANE! with them back to America and we have lived together now for almost 14 years. So what? I hear you say. Just this:

Until about two weeks ago, they thought I was a boybird! Did I ever have them fooled. And all they had to do was look at my shoulders. Human people are so very ignorant. I could always tell the girl Fatlady from the boy Darkman, no problem.

It's a good thing they didn't go out and try to find me a GIRLFRIEND! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

SQUAWK!!! HAHA!!! SQUAWK!!! HAHA!!! SQUAWK!!!

Hello, Pretty Bird

People call me Gathuku. That isn't my real name, but I guess it'll have to do. I decided that I'm damned tired of people speaking for me, so now I'm a blogging bird.

I am a white fronted, spectacled Amazon parrot, to be exact, Amazona albifrons albifrons. I was hatched on April 5, 1993 in Houston, Texas in a hatchery. As with most of my domesticated kind, I never knew my bird mama.

I was hand fed by humans from birth, so they think that I think that I'm one of them. No way, Jose!!! I know very well who I am and what I am.

People are back now. I have to go screech and annoy them.

SCREECH!!!! SCREECH!!!!

SCREEEEEEEEEEECH!!!!

SCREEEEEEEEEEECH!!!!