THE WORST THING IN THE WORLD!!

Yes, the worst has happened. The worst possible thing in the whole universe has happened. The worst insult to My royal majestic Person has happened. This is impossible! This cannot possibly be happening. My Majesty's worst, very worst nightmare.

These people, Dark Man and Fat Lady, have never obeyed my command to provide My Majesty with a fitting consort, a bird of class and distinction and of great accomplishment. They are most wicked and evil and I poop in their hair, especially Fat Lady. She has this thing about her hair, you know, (Sikhs are like that), and they simply cry out to be pooped in. Such disrespect! Such perversion! My Majesty has bitten her - HARD!! - on her arm, even today. That fu---no, wait, such language is beneath My Majesty's great and mighty Dignity! O, yes, they have found a consort for My Majesty.

But not even a bird! Oh, perversion upon perversion! Worse then the man who married a goat! Worse even than the girl who married a dog! But that is closer.

My Majesty cannot even bring My Majesty's self to say it, but My Majesty supposes that My Majesty must just come right out and say it!

SQUAWK!! SQUAWK!! SCREECH-SCREECH-SCREECH!!!!

My Majesty's consort. A DOG!! Perversion within perversion within perversion - it is a she-dog, a bitch! Pooping isn't enough! Not even pooping in Fat Lady's hair is enough! There is no punishment fitting to this insult to MY Majesty. What is to be done.

Here are some pictures of the bitch. Her name is Abby and she's two years old and, further insult! She is not even a purebread, just a maltese-schnauzer mutt. (But she looks maybe like she's part terrier.) My Majesty is no expert on dogs - My Majesty freely admits that. In fact, I despise dogs as much as any Muslim would. Yes, as bad as a filthy pig!

My Majesty HATES these disgusting humans. Perhaps I shall find a new residence. Yes, that is the answer. You who read this consider how wonderful it would be in your life to be the obedient slave of My Majesty, Queen and Empress, Supreme Parrot of All The Universe, Gathuku of the Earth. Just let My Majesty know and My Majesty will fly anywhere to find a fitting home. I await your enthusiastic response.

My Imperial and Cosmic Beyond Al,l Greatness, etc., etc., etc.,

signed: QUEEN GATHUKU THE MAGNIFICENT!

(PLEASE DISREGARD THUKI'S PLEA FOR A NEW HOME. SHE'LL GET USED TO ABBY IN TIME. I WONDER WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A PARROT AND A LITTLE BLACK DOG? MAI)

My Servants

I live with two people who serve me as their Queen.

Darkman is a Jamaican Kikuyu and he started called me Gathuku, which means 'Parrot' in his language. These people got no imagination. He likes to tell me that I got no respect because I SCREECH, SCREECH SCREECH, and I poop whenever and wherever I want. I AM THE QUEEN. I think they are learning that a little bit. He really isn't too bad, though. He gives me some really yummy food, something called Deluxe Parrot Mix. Sometimes he gives me chicken or bread with all kinds of nuts and seeds. If he really wants to bow to me, he'll give me pizza!!!!!!!!!!!!! But no matter how sweet and nice and quiet and loving and affectionate I become, he won't give me chocolate. If I want that, I have to hunt it down and confiscate it. So far, in all these years, I've only been successful twice, but I keep trying.

Actually he's pretty nice. Fatlady is something else. She is my drudge. She cleans my home - you call it a cage - where I sleep at night. I never go there except to eat and sleep and sometimes go outside. It's too small to be very comfortable and anyway, I'd rather be out and about! OK, I barely tolerate her except to sit on her shoulder while I tell her what to write. She has no sense of humour at all. When I nip her ear - not a real bite, you know, no blood - she screams and runs around and shakes her shoulder until I fly off. So excitable, this Fatlady. Funny, though, she doesn't get mad when I poop on her. Dark man would freak out.

There they are. Would you be able to tolerate those two as your subjects? You see how every liberal I am to put up with them.

This is me with Fatlady on the right. Immediately after taking this picture I bit her hand, as she so richly deserved.

SQUAWK!!! SQUAWK!!! SQUAWK!!! SQUAWK!!!