THE WORST THING IN THE WORLD!!

Yes, the worst has happened. The worst possible thing in the whole universe has happened. The worst insult to My royal majestic Person has happened. This is impossible! This cannot possibly be happening. My Majesty's worst, very worst nightmare.

These people, Dark Man and Fat Lady, have never obeyed my command to provide My Majesty with a fitting consort, a bird of class and distinction and of great accomplishment. They are most wicked and evil and I poop in their hair, especially Fat Lady. She has this thing about her hair, you know, (Sikhs are like that), and they simply cry out to be pooped in. Such disrespect! Such perversion! My Majesty has bitten her - HARD!! - on her arm, even today. That fu---no, wait, such language is beneath My Majesty's great and mighty Dignity! O, yes, they have found a consort for My Majesty.

But not even a bird! Oh, perversion upon perversion! Worse then the man who married a goat! Worse even than the girl who married a dog! But that is closer.

My Majesty cannot even bring My Majesty's self to say it, but My Majesty supposes that My Majesty must just come right out and say it!

SQUAWK!! SQUAWK!! SCREECH-SCREECH-SCREECH!!!!

My Majesty's consort. A DOG!! Perversion within perversion within perversion - it is a she-dog, a bitch! Pooping isn't enough! Not even pooping in Fat Lady's hair is enough! There is no punishment fitting to this insult to MY Majesty. What is to be done.

Here are some pictures of the bitch. Her name is Abby and she's two years old and, further insult! She is not even a purebread, just a maltese-schnauzer mutt. (But she looks maybe like she's part terrier.) My Majesty is no expert on dogs - My Majesty freely admits that. In fact, I despise dogs as much as any Muslim would. Yes, as bad as a filthy pig!

My Majesty HATES these disgusting humans. Perhaps I shall find a new residence. Yes, that is the answer. You who read this consider how wonderful it would be in your life to be the obedient slave of My Majesty, Queen and Empress, Supreme Parrot of All The Universe, Gathuku of the Earth. Just let My Majesty know and My Majesty will fly anywhere to find a fitting home. I await your enthusiastic response.

My Imperial and Cosmic Beyond Al,l Greatness, etc., etc., etc.,

signed: QUEEN GATHUKU THE MAGNIFICENT!

(PLEASE DISREGARD THUKI'S PLEA FOR A NEW HOME. SHE'LL GET USED TO ABBY IN TIME. I WONDER WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A PARROT AND A LITTLE BLACK DOG? MAI)

Oh, please mommy. I've got to have him!!

I promise never to call you Fatlady!!

I promise to never poop on you.

I promise never to screech when you're pooping!!

I promise never to bite you

I promise to be a good, good Queen.

Of course, My Majesty never begs!!

FatladyMommy,PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE,

PLEASE.

SQUAWK!

SQUAAWWKK!!

SQUAAAWWWKKK!!!

An Egg!!

I, My Majesty, has laid an egg! I admit, at first I had no idea What was happening. But then, from My Imperial Body, issued an egg. Perfect beautiful, lovely!

Now I know that from eggs come baby parrots. I was so happy.

But then that bitch Fatlady told me that my egg would not have proper genetic material, as My majesty has not taken a consort. I am now trying to find the proper genetic material, but as yet, I have had no good fortune.

So now seek I a consort. I have been considering many suitors. Perhaps a Hyacinth Macaw; they are quite magnificent. Or a peacock, stupider even than Fatlady, but impressive.

Then I got to thinking. Why a bird? Let me enlarge my kingdom. Not, I think, a carnivore. Predators are most impressive, but a lion might eat My Majesty, hardly a worthy act.

An elephant. They are massive and majestic. But in America, they are the symbol of the Republican Party, the party of George Bush (both of them!) and Ronald Reagan (destroyer of the middle class) and Dan Quayle (we thought he was stupid until Bush II came along).

Perhaps an orca. I like orcas. But I have not yet perfected my breathing under water. So no orcas.

The long and short of it is, My Majesty hath not yet chosen a consort.

An idea!

Perhaps one of Fatlady's Nihangs. I like their colours. And they are strong and brave. But they have a reputation for using something called bhang. I have heard when they indulge in this, they might step on my Imperial Person.

Oh, oh. Methinks I need to think.

SQUAWK!

SQUAAWWKK!!

SQUAAAWWWKKK!!!