SQUAWKING

AN INCOMPLETE POEM

2009-11-20T15:54:00.000-08:00

Fat Lady is in several Yahoo Groups that are all about parrots. As if My Majesty were just a parrot. She is so stupid! Anyway one of these groups is called Awesome Amazons. That is somewhat accurate. All Amazons are awesome. My Majesty, however, takes issue with being lumped in with birds. Just plain parrots.

Anyway, someone in this group named Cherie sent a poem, supposedly about Amazon Parrots.

It starts out fine, for ordinary Amazon Parrots:

BIRD WISDOM

If you like it, it’s mine

If I like it, it’s mine

If I can reach it, it’s mine

If it’s in my beak, it’s mine

If I can take it from you, it’s mine

If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine

If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way

If I’m chewing something, all the pieces are mine

If it looks like mine, it’s mine

Of course for My Majesty would need to add a last line:

IT'S MINE!!!

Human are so annoyingly weird.

Poop in all their hair.

If they have no hair, poop on their naked baldness.

POOP, POOP, POOP!!!

SQUAWK! SQUAWK!! SQUAWK!!!

MY MAJESTY NEEDS A CONSORT

2009-10-03T16:59:00.000-07:00

These stupid people have still not provided My Majesty wiyh a suitable consort. (That damned dog doesn't count. ARF-ARF-ARF, BARK-BARK, WOOF is not acceptable pillow talk.

Well, We saw this on the telly and then on YouTube.

DARK MAN!! FAT, FATTER, FATTEST LADY...ARE YOU LISTENING TO OUR ROYAL COMMAND?!! YOU HAD DAMNED WELL BETTER BE. THIS IS A LAST HINT BEFORE YOUR HAIR - BOTH OF YOU - IS COVERED AND WE DO MEAN COVERED WITH POOP!!

HOP TO IT, YOU TWO!!

SQUAWK!

SQUAWK!!

SQUAWK!!!

THE WORST THING IN THE WORLD!!

2009-06-30T17:11:00.000-07:00

Yes, the worst has happened. The worst possible thing in the whole universe has happened. The worst insult to My royal majestic Person has happened. This is impossible! This cannot possibly be happening. My Majesty's worst, very worst nightmare.

These people, Dark Man and Fat Lady, have never obeyed my command to provide My Majesty with a fitting consort, a bird of class and distinction and of great accomplishment. They are most wicked and evil and I poop in their hair, especially Fat Lady. She has this thing about her hair, you know, (Sikhs are like that), and they simply cry out to be pooped in. Such disrespect! Such perversion! My Majesty has bitten her - HARD!! - on her arm, even today. That fu---no, wait, such language is beneath My Majesty's great and mighty Dignity! O, yes, they have found a consort for My Majesty.

But not even a bird! Oh, perversion upon perversion! Worse then the man who married a goat! Worse even than the girl who married a dog! But that is closer.

My Majesty cannot even bring My Majesty's self to say it, but My Majesty supposes that My Majesty must just come right out and say it!

SQUAWK!! SQUAWK!! SCREECH-SCREECH-SCREECH!!!!

My Majesty's consort. A DOG!! Perversion within perversion within perversion - it is a she-dog, a bitch! Pooping isn't enough! Not even pooping in Fat Lady's hair is enough! There is no punishment fitting to this insult to MY Majesty. What is to be done.

Here are some pictures of the bitch. Her name is Abby and she's two years old and, further insult! She is not even a purebread, just a maltese-schnauzer mutt. (But she looks maybe like she's part terrier.) My Majesty is no expert on dogs - My Majesty freely admits that. In fact, I despise dogs as much as any Muslim would. Yes, as bad as a filthy pig!

My Majesty HATES these disgusting humans. Perhaps I shall find a new residence. Yes, that is the answer. You who read this consider how wonderful it would be in your life to be the obedient slave of My Majesty, Queen and Empress, Supreme Parrot of All The Universe, Gathuku of the Earth. Just let My Majesty know and My Majesty will fly anywhere to find a fitting home. I await your enthusiastic response.

My Imperial and Cosmic Beyond Al,l Greatness, etc., etc., etc.,

signed: QUEEN GATHUKU THE MAGNIFICENT!

(PLEASE DISREGARD THUKI'S PLEA FOR A NEW HOME. SHE'LL GET USED TO ABBY IN TIME. I WONDER WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A PARROT AND A LITTLE BLACK DOG? MAI)

DRAFTEE!!!!

2007-10-20T00:57:00.000-07:00

WE DRAFT SIR SNOWBALL TO BE OUR NEW COURT JESTER!!!!

SQUAWK!

SQUAAWWKK!!

SQUAAAWWWKKK!!!

My Throne!!

2007-10-14T18:44:00.001-07:00

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!!!!

My Majesty is sooooooo happy. HAPPY!!!

My subjects, ~~Fatla~~Mama and Darkman have presented Us with a throne. Our very own throne!!! They constructed it themselves. Thgey are so very clever! We fear We had underestimated them.

Well, they call it a portable parrot T-perch. I suppose We will permit them to call it whatever they want. We do love it. They should have done this long ago.

I'm so happy. Alex WHO?

And where is Princess Boo of the Frizzy Hair. We have an assignment for her that is still unfulfilled!

SQUAWK!

SQUAAWWKK!!

SQUAAAWWWKKK!!!

WHY TRY TO FIT IN WHEN YOU WERE BORN TO STAND OUT?

How Alex Died sob

2007-10-05T15:24:00.000-07:00

This was just released this morning:

The Pathology results:

October 4, 2007

Alex died quickly.

He had a sudden, unexpected catastrophic event associated with
arterosclerosis ("hardening of the arteries"). It was either a fatal arrhythmia,
heart attack or stroke, which caused him to die suddenly with no suffering.
There was no way to predict his demise. All of his tests, including his
cholesterol level and asper levels, came back normal earlier that week. His
death could not be connected to his current diet or his age; our veterinarian
said that she has seen similar events in young (<10>
r the same kind of low-level (impossible
to detect in birds as yet) inflammatory disease that is related to heart disease
in humans was responsible.

We will have no further information

The Alex Foundation

Here is the press release about his death.

We miss and love our beautiful cousin, But we suppose we will have to look elsewhere for our consort.

GOOD-BYE, ALEX!!

SQUAWK!

SQUAAWWKK!!

SQUAAAWWWKKK!!!

FREE BURMA NOW!!

2007-10-04T11:54:00.001-07:00

MY MAJESTY DEMANDS

SQUAWK!

SQUAAWWKK!!

SQUAAAWWWKKK!!!

ALEX' LAST WORDS

2007-09-17T18:07:00.001-07:00

"You be good, see you tomorrow. I love you." final words of Alex the Parrot. www.alexfoundation.org
--
WHY TRY TO FIT IN WHEN YOU WERE BORN TO STAND OUT?

More Alex, Poor Alex

2007-09-17T17:30:00.000-07:00

For anyone who wants to express their sorrow at our cousin Alex' death, Our Majesty suggests that you join this Yahoo! group, Remembering Alex.

SQUAWK!

SQUAAWWKK!!

SQUAAAWWWKKK!!!

Alex and Zoey - African Grey and Umbrella Cockatoo 1

2007-09-08T23:51:00.001-07:00

Oh, oh, oh, My Majesty is sooooooo sad.

Our cousin, Alex, just died. For no reason.

One day he was fine, the next day. DEAD.

Poor Alex.

Our Majesty wishes him a great final flight into freedom and lots of nuts. NNN, uhh, tuh, sss.

When I have more information, I'll update this.

A 2003 interview with Alex' 'Mama.'

Here is an article I enjoyed, Meet Alex

Learn about African Greys - FAQs

SQUAWK!

SQUAAWWKK!!

SQUAAAWWWKKK!!!

Alex, Rest In Peace. (Sob)

OOH, OOOHHHHH,OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

2007-09-02T02:04:00.000-07:00

HELP ME, I THINK I'M FALLING...........

MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!! CATCH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SQUAWK!

SQUAAWWKK!!

SQUAAAWWWKKK!!!

A CONFESSION

2007-08-31T13:28:00.000-07:00

My Majesty took something called a 'Geek Test.' There were two questions that we did not answer truthfully. Those peasants who wrote the test did not put proper answers. They asked about my - MY - handwriting. We do not have handwriting. We do not write. My Majesty has scribes. But they, of course, have beautiful handwriting.

And how do I communicate with those who are out of earshot. NO ONE IS OUT OF EARSHOT OF MY MAJESTY. NO ONE. But if they were - impossible, of course - but if they were, my decrees would be written and distributed by my scribes.

So there! My Majesty is honest.

SQUAWK!

SQUAAWWKK!!

SQUAAAWWWKKK!!!

O Mommy, Mommy, Mommy! Help Me! I'm In Love!!

2007-08-12T21:59:00.001-07:00

2007-08-12T20:30:00.001-07:00

Oh, please mommy. I've got to have him!!

I promise never to call you Fatlady!!

I promise to never poop on you.

I promise never to screech when you're pooping!!

~~I promise never to bite you~~

I promise to be a good, good Queen.

Of course, My Majesty never begs!!

~~Fatlady~~Mommy,PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE,

PLEASE.

SQUAWK!

SQUAAWWKK!!

SQUAAAWWWKKK!!!

A Theft!

2007-08-09T16:51:00.000-07:00

HELP ME!! HELP ME!! HELP ME!!

HELP MY MAJESTY!!!

My egg! My egg! My perfect, beautiful egg! My perfect, beautiful, wonderful egg that issued forth out of my Imperial body. It is gone. Disappeared. My Majesty left my home for a while to survey my empire. When I returned, it was gone. GONE!!

I suspect, I strongly suspect that Fatlady stole it. But to what end? What reason would she have for stealing my perfect, beautiful egg? Aside from its beauty, it has no value to anyone but My Majesty.

That's it! IT!! Its great beauty. She wants to see it on eBay or Craig's List and get rich. Off of MY BODY. NO! NO!! THIS IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE.

OFF WITH HER HEAD!! GET RID OF HER!! FEED HER TO THE DOGS!! NO WORSE!! FEED HER TO THE CATS!! NOW I KNOW.

And I shall show her!! I shall produce another egg and never,ever leave it ever for one moment.

I AM QUEEN GATHUKU!!

SQUAWK!

SQUAAWWKK!!

SQUAAAWWWKKK!!!

An Egg!!

2007-07-23T13:57:00.000-07:00

I, My Majesty, has laid an egg! I admit, at first I had no idea What was happening. But then, from My Imperial Body, issued an egg. Perfect beautiful, lovely!

Now I know that from eggs come baby parrots. I was so happy.

But then that bitch Fatlady told me that my egg would not have proper genetic material, as My majesty has not taken a consort. I am now trying to find the proper genetic material, but as yet, I have had no good fortune.

So now seek I a consort. I have been considering many suitors. Perhaps a Hyacinth Macaw; they are quite magnificent. Or a peacock, stupider even than Fatlady, but impressive.

Then I got to thinking. Why a bird? Let me enlarge my kingdom. Not, I think, a carnivore. Predators are most impressive, but a lion might eat My Majesty, hardly a worthy act.

An elephant. They are massive and majestic. But in America, they are the symbol of the Republican Party, the party of George Bush (both of them!) and Ronald Reagan (destroyer of the middle class) and Dan Quayle (we thought he was stupid until Bush II came along).

Perhaps an orca. I like orcas. But I have not yet perfected my breathing under water. So no orcas.

The long and short of it is, My Majesty hath not yet chosen a consort.

An idea!

Perhaps one of Fatlady's Nihangs. I like their colours. And they are strong and brave. But they have a reputation for using something called bhang. I have heard when they indulge in this, they might step on my Imperial Person.

Oh, oh. Methinks I need to think.

SQUAWK!

SQUAAWWKK!!

SQUAAAWWWKKK!!!

Birth Of A Royal Personage

2007-07-18T17:32:00.000-07:00

Boo
said...
Your maj! But I am a lowly peasent. Pooping on heads is only for
royal personages. Perhaps I should buy myself a title.

No, no , no, no!!! NO!! NO!!! This is not possible. My Majesty, My Most Highest, Royalest, Holiest(The Divine Right Of Queens, you know!),Majestiest Majesty does not, must not, will not consort with commoners, most especially not with peasants.

This situation must be rectified, at once! Thou cannst not buy thyself a real title, so...

I, Gathuku, My Most Highest, etc., etc., etc., do hereby confer upon thee
the Highest And Most Honoured Title of The Princess Royale
of the House Of Gathuku, The Amazon Queen, Ruler of the Universe, Light
Of The Nations, The Great Lioness of Judah and Empress of India and Several
Other Titles, As Well.

From this day forward shalt thou be known as HRH Boo Of The Frizzy Hair Who Is Empowered To Poop Upon The Head Of Any Who Would Dare To Disrespect Her Royal Personage. SQUAWK! SQUAWK!! SQUAWKK!!!

This is a title thou canst not purchase at any price, but is earned by great and meritorious service to My Majesty.

Now, go poop on their heads, Your Royal Highness! Thy liege Queen hath commanded it!

And thou hast misspelled 'peasant.'

SQUAWK!!

SQUAAWWKK!!!

SQUAAAWWWKKK!!!

Instruction To The Universe

2007-07-17T19:35:00.000-07:00

OMG!!

2007-07-09T12:01:00.001-07:00

OMG!!!

WTF!!!

SQUAWK!

SQUAAWWKK!!

SQUAAAWWWKKK!!!

PEOPLE!! FELLOW BIRDS!!! BE AWARE!!! THIS IS NOT A JOKE!! THIS IS FOR REAL!! WRITE THE SENATE!! WRITE YOUR CONGRESSPERSON!! RIGHT THIS WRONG!! RIGHT THIS TRAVESTY!!

Toujours La Meme Chose

2007-07-08T15:20:00.000-07:00

MY MEME
The Ten Most Annoying Things in an Amazon Queen Parrot's Life:
In Reverse Order, Mind You, but all are damned annoying.

Moulting: That's what they call it when all of My beautiful feathers fall out, slowly, one-by-one, all the way to my soft and lovely undercoat of down. Fatlady saves My most beautifullest feathers and gives them - GIVES THEM!! - to Crazylady for who knows what to do with. Then she cleans up My soft wonderful down with the:

The Vacuum Cleaner: The damned machine. When they bring that horrible red monster out, I scream and squawk and even fly to the next room. I'm sure it is illegal for those humans to use the damned thing in My world, but I have not yet discovered how to enforce My edict against it. Hmmmmmmm, maybe if I flew onto Fatlady's head and dug my talons into her scalp real good and bit her ear hard so it bleeds and pooped in her hair. That might work, eh.

Red: I hate the colour red. I do not know why. I do not need to know why. Tomatoes are screech-worthy. When I was just a baby princess Amazon parrotlette - the most beautifullest, adorablest ever, I assure you - they put a red 'toy' - they called it a toy, it was really an instrument of torture - in my home. Well, well, well! I let them know it was unacceptable and they did - as indeed they must - remove it.

Covering My Home: This is Fatlady's favourite way of tormenting Me. When I screech out My commands, instead of obeying, as she should, Fatlady has taken to putting a heavy dark covering over My home. If I am quiet, she'll take it off. It is great fun for Me to play a game with her. {Begin here}: I order in M loudest screech!!. She covers. I am very quiet. She uncovers. Return to {Begin here}. She is so stupid.

Being Cold: My native habitat is in the tropics. Don't these humans have any sense at all? I need to be kept warm and cosy and comfy. But, nooooooooo! They let Me freeze My royal ass (arse?) off . My lovely green derriere turns purple with the icy temperatures.

Food: Anything wrong about my food. White bread, yech! Must be whole grain. Pizza without enough toppings. Vegetables, any vegetables, I do not like them. Tomatoes, no, no, no, they're RED. Mushy bananas, they get all over My beak and lower My dignities. Really, though, feeding me anything except pizza (with lots of toppings) and sunflower seeds. Oh, yes, and bottled glacier water from the Pyrenees, of course.

Forgetting My Shower: Each morning, at precisely 10:30, I am to shower. This is to clean My Royal Personage, as well as to refresh My spirits and to add to My loveliness. Sometimes, My servants forget this essential part of My beauty regimen. How dare they!? And sometimes they are still in bed, those lazy ne'er-do-wells. Hmmmph!!!!!

Being Locked in My Home: This is indeed a great indignity. Usually all the doors to My palace are open and unlocked. But sometimes, my servants revolt and imprison me in my own home. Can you believe this? I tolerate it only because we usually are going someplace nice, like to the park. My Majesty loves the park. Everyone gathers around and admires me. Oh, yeah, they make inane comments like, 'What a pretty birdie.' Or 'Does - is it a girl or a boy and how can you tell? - it (it!) talk?' I ALWAYS answer this bit of moronity by looking as stupid as I possibly can and saying nothing, Nada. Not even a small squawk.Or My personal favourite, 'Does she bite?' Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. Come here, little one, please put your little fingers into My home. Please. PLEASE.' Hehehehehehehe, chomp!!

Fatlady put that licence plate on against My orders!! Bite her at once!!! Extra hard!!!

Fatlady: I do not like her. I do not like her. I do not like her, no, not one little bit. Not even one little teeny, tiny bit. Her pleasure in life is tormenting Me. Me, Queen Gathuku. Anything she can think of. Anything to annoy Me. Fortunately, I'm smarter than she is and I am in control. Even what you are reading was typed by her at My command. I sit on her shoulder and dictate. Yes, dictate. I am Gathuku the Dictator. Yes, I am!

In short, I do not tolerate disrespect in any form from My servants or from anyone else, including YOU.

Now tell Me, what annoys you. Not that My Majesty really cares.

SQUAWK!!

SQUAAWWKK!!!

SQUAAAWWWKKK!!!!

HELP, HELP, OH, HELP!!!

2007-05-28T12:38:00.000-07:00

My Majesty is in great despair, SQUAWK, SQUAWK, SQUAWK! My feathers, my beautiful, glorious green and red and blue and yellow Amazon feathers - oh, yeah, and the dumb little white downy things, too - are falling out!! SQUAWK, SQUAWK, SQUAWK.

Help me, help me, help me. I'm just a poor little, spectacled Amazon parrot, far from my homeland, oppressed by all these strange people who don't appreciate my gorgeous majesty. What can I do?

Fatlady, that bitch, just strokes my disintegrating wings and says something about a moult. I bit her very, very hard. My whole majestic body itches and I must have malaria or something and she just says moult.

And, AND, she put some foul stuff called 'extra vitamins' in my water, what's that all about?I'm really a very sweet little bird, why must she oppress me like this.

AND NOW, she's decided that I should not screech. I, My Majesty, not command my subjects? Surely, she jests. An evil conspiracy called 'Parrots Only,' a Yahoo group, has advised her that when I screech she should cover my home as if it were night until I stop. But I am smarter than this evil, right wing conspiracy. When she gets the cover, I immediately fall silent. Then when she walks away, I screech even louder and she walks back and I get quiet...you see how smart I am and how stupid she is? But now she has decided to cover me even if I fall silent. I DO NOT LIKE THIS, NO NOT ONE BIT. She is a bully and needs to be bitten really, really, really hard, I think maybe on her nose!

But this battle has only begun and I SHALL WIN THE WAR!!!

squawk!!!

SQUAWK!!!!

SQUAAWWK!!!!!

SQUAAAWWWKKK!!!!!!!

Indulging Fatlady

2007-05-10T15:00:00.000-07:00

LIKE LITTLE GIRLS,

AND BUTTERFLIES,

AND MY MAJESTY,

NIHANGS NEED NO EXCUSE!!

NOTE THAT THE KECHERA OF THE GENTLEMAN ON THE LEFT ARE VISIBLE

THE ABOVE GENTLEMAN IS NAMED SUKHA SINGH. HE IS 19 YEARS OLD. THAT THING HANGING OUT OF HIS TURBAN IS CALLED A FARLA. IT MEANS HE IS A NIHANG GENERAL. HE IS OF PARTICULAR NOTE BECAUSE HE BEARS A STRIKING RESEMBLENCE TO MANDEEP SINGH KHALSA (6 AUGUST 1942, DOVER, DELAWARE, USA-3 NOVEMBER 1984, DELHI, INDIA)

SQUAAWWKK!!!

SQUAAAWWWKKK!!!!

apropos of nothing, this monstrosity is called a Burqini:

It is for swimming and sunbathing on the beach.

SQUAAAAWWWWKKKK!!!!!

Dancing

2007-05-08T20:57:00.000-07:00

Fatlady asked me to do her a favour and post this PICTURE. I don't know why. Something to do with this chihuahua she used to have named Boo.

And she keeps giggling like the fool she is.

Anyway, this guy is entirely too old and isn't even wearing a kurta pajama! And what kind of a man enters a Sikh male beauty contest anyway?

I'm a lot more beautifuller and I'm not a Sikhparrot!

SQUAWK!!!

SQUAAWKK!!!

SQUAAAWKKK!!!

My Majesty, Her Majesty

2007-05-04T14:50:00.000-07:00

THE WHITEST PERSON IN THE WORLD

Guess what I saw on CNN this morning? (Yes, I watch CNN; Fatlady and Darkman are liberals, they refuse to turn on all those wonderful unbiased fellas on Fox News Channel, so I have to watch CNN if I want any news at all.) Anyway, I saw this old lady with a hat that looked like a scarlet macaw calling herself The Queen. Can you imagine!? Everyone knows that I AM THE QUEEN. SQUAAWWKKK!!!

It turns out that she really is a queen of some sort. Not a real Queen like I am, of course. She calls herself Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II of Great Britain, that is England, Ireland (part of it), Scotland (sort of, but the Scots don't always agree) and Wales. I have heard that she is the WHITEST PERSON IN THE WORLD. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! Like a cockatoo. She's walks around like she thinks she'll really something special, but she's uuuggggglllllyyyyy.

Compare her majesty to My Majesty, if you will. I am a most lovely green, like the main colour I chose for my blog. I have a bright red circle around each eye and a line across my beak connecting them almost by not quite. Above my beak is a white, sort-of, but not quite really white row of feathers with a little bit of light blue. On my wings I have some bright blue near the tips and some orange next to my body, but you can't see the orange unless I open my wings to show you. That's how they tell I'm a girl. You can see the orange shoulders on the boys. On my tail there are some of the brightest, most beautifullest red feathers you can ever imagine seeing. I am colourful. I am not a dumb goreh bird and I am My Majesty. And no ugly old lady from somewhere else can be a real queen. Just me.

SQUAWWWKKK!!!

SQUAAWWWKKK!!!

SQUAAAWWWKKK!!!

Do you see the picture here? That is not me, but it looks like someone impersonating My Majesty, one of my doubles. Fatlady took it off the Web - she calls it snagging or roaching - but I want to get a picture of me showing my wings. Maybe one day I can get Darkman to take one to put there, but up till then you'll need to see the imposter and the little picture of me with Fatlady. I know it's not the same, but keep hoping and someday, you might really get to see me.

SQUAWWWKKK!!!

SQUAAWWWKKK!!!

SQUAAAWWWKKK!!!

KIDNAPPED by evil Kidnapman

2007-04-26T20:06:00.000-07:00

Today was my bestest day so far of 2007. I got to go outside!!. Well, Fatlady didn't let me out of my home. I won't let them clip my wings. I am supposed to fly. I am a bird. Would you humans like to have your legs clipped?

So I had to stay in my little home because they think I'd fly away and get lost. I'm not stupid. I'd never leave. Well, I did - two times! But they came and got me.

The first time was in Alaska. I flew out the open door, but Fatlady came running when I commanded here to come get me. Brrrrrrrrrr! It was so cold. SQUAAAWWWWWKKKKKKK!!!!!!

The second time was in Washington State, I don't care what town. It was a very sad time. Darkman's son had been killed in a car wreck in Kenya and he didn't pay any attention to anything. He left the sliding glass door open and I went on an adventure.

But I got captured by some evil Kidnapman. He took me to his home. I thought, ' Great. I'll get a treat now!'

But that damned fool evil Kidnapman gave me a saltine cracker and kept saying, 'Polly want a cracker?'

No, no, no!! Polly, meaning me, the Queen, want some pizza.

Anyway my subjects put up posters all over the place, but this evil Kidnapman ignored them. For two days, I went on a hunger strike. He bought me a cage - not my home, he locked the door! - and intended to hold me captive.

But some neighbourhood kids - God bless 'em!' told Darkman where I was. He came WITH A BUTCHER KNIFE to demand my release. My captor, evil Kidnapman, however, was a coward who didn't want to argue with a big, Black man with a knife, so he surrendered me. I was soooooooo happy. I wouldn't talk to Kidnapman, but I talked and talked to Darkman. 'Thuki. Thuki. Pretty bird, Thuki. Sweetheart. Come here, Thuki.' All nice words. Not a single SQUAWK!

Until we turned to go. Then I faced evil Kidnapman and gave him my loudest, angriest , most majestic

SQUAAAAAAAAA

WWWWWWWWW

KKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

I bet he never, ever, ever kidnaps a royal personage again.

He came to my subjects' home the next day to get his cage. They were nice enough to give it to him, but Fatlady told him that if he wanted to keep a parrot, he needed a much bigger cage and some idea of what parrots eat. Oh, yeah! She suggested he get a parakeet. LOLOLOLOLOLOL, a parakeet!!??

I don't like Fatlady much, but I was really happy with her that day!!

SQUAAAAAWWWWWWWWKKKKKKKKKKK!!
SQUAAAAAAWWWWWWWWKKKKKKKKKKK!!

Loving Rats and Enslaving A Kangaroo

2007-04-21T18:48:00.000-07:00

Fatlady got these in an e-mail from a friend.

See, the first lady is sooooo nice to help out all her rat friends.

But what on earth has gotten into the second lady? What has she done to that poor kangaroo. It ruffles my feathers and makes me want to bite her real, real, REAL hard.

SQUAWK!!!!!!!

SQUAAAAAK!!!!!!!!!!

SQUAAAAAAAAAAK!!!!!!!!!

SQUAAAAAAAAAAAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SQUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Servants

2007-04-16T14:59:00.000-07:00

I live with two people who serve me as their Queen.

Darkman is a Jamaican Kikuyu and he started called me Gathuku, which means 'Parrot' in his language. These people got no imagination. He likes to tell me that I got no respect because I SCREECH, SCREECH SCREECH, and I poop whenever and wherever I want. I AM THE QUEEN. I think they are learning that a little bit. He really isn't too bad, though. He gives me some really yummy food, something called Deluxe Parrot Mix. Sometimes he gives me chicken or bread with all kinds of nuts and seeds. If he really wants to bow to me, he'll give me pizza!!!!!!!!!!!!! But no matter how sweet and nice and quiet and loving and affectionate I become, he won't give me chocolate. If I want that, I have to hunt it down and confiscate it. So far, in all these years, I've only been successful twice, but I keep trying.

Actually he's pretty nice. Fatlady is something else. She is my drudge. She cleans my home - you call it a cage - where I sleep at night. I never go there except to eat and sleep and sometimes go outside. It's too small to be very comfortable and anyway, I'd rather be out and about! OK, I barely tolerate her except to sit on her shoulder while I tell her what to write. She has no sense of humour at all. When I nip her ear - not a real bite, you know, no blood - she screams and runs around and shakes her shoulder until I fly off. So excitable, this Fatlady. Funny, though, she doesn't get mad when I poop on her. Dark man would freak out.

There they are. Would you be able to tolerate those two as your subjects? You see how every liberal I am to put up with them.

This is me with Fatlady on the right. Immediately after taking this picture I bit her hand, as she so richly deserved.

SQUAWK!!! SQUAWK!!! SQUAWK!!! SQUAWK!!!

SEX in a bird

2007-04-16T11:36:00.000-07:00

I gotta let everybody about this one. These people brought me home when I was just a baby bird. They fed me with a syringe and I screamed so loud the neighbors thought someone was being beaten.

I went with them from America to Canada to Alaska and then flew IN AN AIRPLANE! with them back to America and we have lived together now for almost 14 years. So what? I hear you say. Just this:

Until about two weeks ago, they thought I was a boybird! Did I ever have them fooled. And all they had to do was look at my shoulders. Human people are so very ignorant. I could always tell the girl Fatlady from the boy Darkman, no problem.

It's a good thing they didn't go out and try to find me a GIRLFRIEND! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

SQUAWK!!! HAHA!!! SQUAWK!!! HAHA!!! SQUAWK!!!

Hello, Pretty Bird

2007-04-15T17:25:00.000-07:00

People call me Gathuku. That isn't my real name, but I guess it'll have to do. I decided that I'm damned tired of people speaking for me, so now I'm a blogging bird.

I am a white fronted, spectacled Amazon parrot, to be exact, Amazona albifrons albifrons. I was hatched on April 5, 1993 in Houston, Texas in a hatchery. As with most of my domesticated kind, I never knew my bird mama.

I was hand fed by humans from birth, so they think that I think that I'm one of them. No way, Jose!!! I know very well who I am and what I am.

People are back now. I have to go screech and annoy them.

SCREECH!!!! SCREECH!!!!

SCREEEEEEEEEEECH!!!!

SCREEEEEEEEEEECH!!!!

SQUAWKING

AN INCOMPLETE POEM

MY MAJESTY NEEDS A CONSORT

THE WORST THING IN THE WORLD!!

DRAFTEE!!!!

My Throne!!

How Alex Died *sob*

FREE BURMA NOW!!

ALEX' LAST WORDS

More Alex, Poor Alex

Alex and Zoey - African Grey and Umbrella Cockatoo 1

OOH, OOOHHHHH,OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

A CONFESSION

O Mommy, Mommy, Mommy! Help Me! I'm In Love!!

A Theft!

An Egg!!

Birth Of A Royal Personage

Instruction To The Universe

OMG!!

Toujours La Meme Chose

HELP, HELP, OH, HELP!!!

Indulging Fatlady

Dancing

My Majesty, Her Majesty

KIDNAPPED by evil Kidnapman

Loving Rats and Enslaving A Kangaroo

My Servants

SEX in a bird

Hello, Pretty Bird

How Alex Died sob